Tuesday, September 27, 2022

I Find...

I find happiness...
I turn away from it...

I find a healthy romance...
I shut it down...

I find a trusting friend...
I burn the bridge...

I find a supporting job...
I let it fall through my finger tips...

I find true love...
I turn it to hate...

I find pain and suffering...
I make it my comfort zone...

Monday, September 26, 2022

I Am The Reason...

I have never felt true happiness...
I have never had a smile that won't fail...
I have never experience childlike joy...
I have never understood cheerful demeanor...

So, I searched for the reason why...
I searched my actions...
I searched my circumstances...
I searched the world...

Until, I found the answers...
I found the data...
I found the solution...
I found my cure...

Now, I understand my affliction...
I understand my addiction...
I understand the problem...
I understand the answer...

My entire life is self-inflicted...
The pain and suffering is because of me...
I push away everything that leads to joy...
I believe its better that way...

Dependency

I lost my ability to relay on another.
The day my secrets were reveal.
She said she heard it from her brother.
The one I trusted and thought was real.

Now being dependent...
Does not come easily...
Always Leads to resentment...
So, I hold back greedily...

So I settle with being alone...
Unwilling to let another in..
Always feeling more at home...
Keeping everything within...

Then I tried once again.
Until the day I lost my only asylum.
From all the drugs and torment.
Watching it fall to the ground in dissolution.

Now being reliant on another..
Never feels natural...
Even for a "brother"...
Doesn't seem rational...

So I stay in my lane...
Pushing everyone away...
Makes life easy to maintain...
As I watch others live their lives in dismay...

I stop allowing myself to be a fool.
Trusting the one who never let's me down.
Never feeling the pain or joys was the rule.
Until I let God put them around.

Still don't ask for help...
From the fear of letting go..
Of all the time I yelp...
Keeping the relationship faux...

I continue to help myself...
Relaying on me and I...
Waiting for the day I'm expelled...
From this life and say goodbye...

Thursday, September 15, 2022

Tired

I am tired...
Tired of being me...
Tired of living this life...
Tired of caring...

I want to close my eyes...
Not waking until the end...
I want move on...
To the world beyond...

I am drained...
Drained from feeling...
Drained from responsibility...
Drained from wearing this mask...

I wish I was like everyone else...
Able to be carefree...
I wish I could understand...
How true happiness feels...

I am exhausted...
Exhausted of lies and untold truths...
Exhausted of ups and downs...
Exhausted of fighting...

I am ready to release it all...
Letting life slip away...
I am ready to go home...
Finding a place to rest...

I am tired...
Tired of being me...
Tired of living this life...
Tired of caring...

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Internal Conflict

Fist landing...
Plates flying...
Voices raising...
Shot firing...
The internal conflict is rising...

I sit wondering what I should be doing.
I pray for God to lead to the goal.
I listen to spiritual leaders who He has put in my path.
I feel my heart being tug one way and the other.
Yet left with contradictory futures.

Right & Wrong...
Left & Right...
Hot & Cold...
Yes & No...
The internal conflict continues...

I am running my test.
I am compiling the data.
I am asking the questions.
I am studying my graphs.
Yet answers still evades me.

Peace hidden...
Paths overgrown...
Life emptied...
Passions lost...
The internal conflict climaxes...

I must find the solutions.
I need the Godly response.
I require the break, allowing listening.
I want it to end.
Yet time goes on.

Compromises made...
Agreements met...
Sins confessed...
Forgiveness given..
The internal conflict ends...




Friday, September 9, 2022

The Circle of Depression

The day has came where the sunshine peers
Into my cave, illuminating the darkness
Leading me out, to find the peace
I take a breath of relief before I blink
The light dims and I lose sight of the path
I search and search until I return
To my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression
And it paralyzing me daily
Through all the fear and pain
Through all the doubts and guilt
Until I find my eternal relief
The path always turns dark
In the circle
The circle of depression

The day has came where the voices call out
Showing me concern and hope
I follow the sounds, to find support
I release tears of gratitude
Then my internal dialogue amplifies
Until I lose my hearing, try to continue forward
But return to my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression
And it paralyzing me daily
Through all the fear and pain
Through all the doubts and guilt
Until I find my eternal relief
The path always turns dark
In the circle
The circle of depression

The day has came where I am lifted up
Allow me to feel protected and safe
I allow it to pull me toward my escape
I am grateful to be evacuated
Then I fall back and lose contact
I cry out in despair, with no choice
I return to my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression
And it paralyzing me daily
Through all the fear and pain
Through all the doubts and guilt
Until I find my eternal relief
The path always turns dark
In the circle
The circle of depression

Thursday, September 8, 2022

The Decibels Of Life

The day is deafening...
Sitting day and night...
Alone with only my thoughts to occupy...
When others hear silence...
My meter reads 120...

The day is deafening...
Exchanging dialogue...
Meeting with co-workers and friends...
When others hear conversations...
My meter reads 130...

The day is deafening...
All the filling sounds...
Hearing the car driving and the bird chirping...
When others hears the world
My meter reads 150...

The day is deafening...
Everything I do...
And everyone I see...
The decibels are raising...
Until my meters reads 'Error'...

Friday, September 2, 2022

Why I Cut

Everyday I become ever number and number...
That is why I cut, to experience some sensation...

Everyday the stress grows tighter and tighter...
That is why I cut, to release the pressure...

Everyday the pain deepens and deepens...
That is why I cut, to expose it to the surface...

Everyday I cut further and further...
That is why I search, to end the selfish harm...

Everyday I understand You more and more...
That is why I call you Lord, to find freedom and peace...