Red Toolbox

There's a red toolbox 

Left forgotton in the shed

Old, rusted, and full of tools

Maybe it's time to let it go.

There's a retired hammer

Unable to keeps its head on

Toss aside for something new

Maybe it's time to let it go.

There's a old screwdriver

Dull and pointless

After years of abuse

Maybe it's time to let it go.

There's a pair of neglected gloves

Only called upon at times of need

Taking the damage after each project

Maybe it's time to let it go.

Fields of Wildflowers

Driving through the country side,

Seeing all God's creations.

Discovering fields covered wildflowers,

Always stopping to take a stroll.

There were fields of dandelions,

Rows and rows far as the eye can see.

Admiring each one unaware step by step,

Patches transforming into marigolds...

Driving through the country side,

Seeing all God's creations.

Discovering fields covered wildflowers,

Always stopping to take a stroll.

There were fields of asters,

Miles and miles spread into the horizon.

Smelling each one unaware step by step,

Fungus grows on their broken stems.

Driving through the country side,

Seeing all God's creations.

Discovering fields covered wildflowers,

Always stopping to take a stroll.

There were fields of white hyacinths,

Scarcely at first but endless upon second look.

Lying down in the middle unaware,

They are wilting with poppies in their place...

The Raft

I close one eye

Lying alone on the raft.

Listening as the voices

Die down.

I close the other eye

Lying alone on the raft.

Allowing the waters

To wash over me.

I float down the river

Lying alone on the raft.

Waiting as the lights

Grow dimmer and dimmer.

I fall into deep sleep

Lying alone on the raft

Saying for the final time

Goodbye...

The Affair

I gave her my youth

She wasted it

Aging it up

Giving it to them.

I gave her my trust

She torn it in half

Tying the halves in ribbon

Showing it to them.

I gave her my heart

She ripped it to pieces

Boxing the rubble and

Presenting it to them.

I gave her a spot in my bed

She stole the rest

Leaving me in the cold

Sharing it with them.

I was sharing everything with her

Never knowing Life was having

An affair with the unholy duo

Depression and Anxiety.

I'm Sorry

I glance down at the

Reflective metal.

Staring at the face

Of my despair.

I slide the edge

Across the surface.

Releasing the tension

As canyon forms.

I close my eyes

For the final time.

Dimming the lights

Until I left in the dark.

I breath one last statement 

for all to understand.

Echoing until days end

I'm sorry, I can't go on.

How Are You?!

How are you?

A simple question on the surface.

A complex question in practice.

Externally, you hear "I'm good!"

Internally, I'm holding back the burden.

How you doing?

A polite greeting for the average.

A stress inducing greeting for the troubled.

Publicly, it's answered "I'm perfect!"

Privately, I'm pushing down the pain.

Are you good?

A friendly check-in to the uninitiated.

A revealing check-in to the instituted.

I'll always answer "I'm fine!"

I'll always hide the need for help.

Let Go

Like a kid climbing a rope

In gym class...

I am unsure how long I can

Hold on.

Like a competitive food contestant

At the end of a event...

I am unsure how much more I can

Ingest.

Like the gas guage in a car

Pointing past "E"...

I am unsure how long I can

Go on.

Like a adrenaline junky

Looking for their next high

I jumped from the highest point

Finally letting go.

The Five Senses of Loneliness

I wave the red flag,

Yet you are colorblind.

How freeing it must be,

To not see the pain and suffering.

I sound the alarms,

Yet you are deaf.

How peaceful it must be,

To not hear the cries of friends.

I release the salty waterfall,

Yet you have ageusia.

How wonderful it must be,

To not know what's right in front of you.

I start rotting away,

Yet you have anosmia.

How dreamy it must be,

To focus on yourself.

I start to reach out,

Yet you are paralyze..

How sensational it must be,

To not feel the others.

The Lonely Search

Sitting alone in the dark,

Can't help thinking about the search.

The search I have been conducting,

Day in and day out.

For my sunshine,

On a rainy day.

For my peace,

On the battlefield.

Sitting alone at the park,

Can't help seeing the accompanied.

Continuing the search I am performing,

Every hour and every second.

For my angel,

In the depths of Hell.

For my support,

Without my back bone.

Sitting alone during the party,

Can't help feeling deeply isolated.

Continuing the search I am orchestrating,

All the time and everywhere.

For my comfort,

In the restraints.

For my one and only,

In the sea of many.

Sitting alone everyday,

Can't help remembering her.

Ending the search I have organized,

For all my life.

The Fourth Day

259,200 seconds...

Seconds without contact to the world...

Seconds without comfort of a plan...

Seconds without any control...

Second I can never get back...

259,200 seconds trying to let go.

4320 minutes...

Minutes in your embrace...

Minutes watching my worries float away...

Minutes allowing my fears run away...

Minutes I will never get back...

4320 minutes sitting in your arms.

72 hours...

Hours under your umbrella of protection...

Hours listening as you block negative thoughts...

Hours hiding under your arms from earthy desires...

Hours I don't want back...

72 hours giving you everything.

3 days...

Days deep in your Truth...

Days growing to understand your love...

Days learning to live in your grace...

Days I would happily give to you again...

3 days completely in your presence.

Of Love

Running my hands down your arms..

Grasping your hands in mine...

Holding our bodies against each other...

Missing the touch of love.

Kissing your soft lips...

Playing with your hair...

Syncing our hearts to each other...

Missing the connection of love.

Feeling the warmth beside me in bed...

Waking up to a welcoming smile...

Smelling the sweet scent of your perfume...

Missing the support of love.

Staying single for 6 years and counting...

Fixing whats broken in me...

Becoming the man I am meant to be...

Finding the beginning of love. 

I Will Not Last

Strolling salvation lane...

Admiring houses built on love...

Lowering self-worth brick by brick...

Unsure how long I can last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, I am a firm foundation'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, I will be your everlasting shelter'...

Watching peace network...

Worshiping works built on trust...

Inflating anxiety show by show...

Uncertain how long I can last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, I will shine down on you'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, I will lighten the darkest days'...

Hearing grateful praises...

Singing songs written about grace...

Amplifying depression lyric by lyric...

Distrustful I can last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, I will harmonize your life'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, I will fill your silence'...

Arriving at beach of sin...

Encompassing grains of sorrow & self-doubt...

Filling lungs with curses & discourgement...

Fearful I will not last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, I will make you clean'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, I will silence your cynicism'...

Digging out the endless pit...

Following voices to the bank...

Allowing the tide to overtake...

Insecure I can last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, I will make you whole'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, I will set you free'...

Starting with the feet...

Raising higher and higher...

Washing away all the sand...

Maybe I will last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, you are my child'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, you are loved'...

Closing eyes as the waters reach...

Feeling weight fall away...

Diminishing evil grip finger by finger...

Assured I will last...

I hear the waves calling...

'Come to me, you have been set free'....

I hear the wind crying...

'Follow me, you have been found'...

Receding tide, uncovering eyes...

Revealing blissful lights...

Sighing in tranquility and gratitude...

I have last!

My Worst Enemy

The lights darken...

As I run down the hall...

The screams intensifies...

As I ignore the cry for help...

The ceiling collapses...

As I descend level by level...

The building flattens...

As I exit the door...

The horror paralyzes...

As I turn toward the rubble..

The realization dawns...

As I drop to my knees...

I dimmed the shine of hope...

Because of fear of failure...

I killed my desires...

Because of fear of worthlessness...

I lowered my impact...

Because of fear of incompetence...

I destroyed my tower of success...

Because of fear...

I allowed my fear...

Because of I am undeserving...

I walk away to destroy more...

Because I am my own worst enemy.

What Is Happiness?

What does happiness sound?

Do you find the joy in a child's laughter?

Do you find the rythym in a bird's song?

Do you find the peace in the ocean's waves?

All this is asked as it is unaware.

Running the opposite direction,

Over a decade and counting.

So, I ask again...

What does happiness feel?

Do you find the warmth in the summer sun?

Do you find the strength in family love?

Do you find the comfort in friendly support?

All this is asked as it is unaware.

Evading every instance of happiness,

Over a decade and counting.

So, I ask again...

What does happiness look?

Do you find the prosperity in a stranger's smile?

Do you find the motivation in the mirror's reflection?

Do you find the support in your partner's eyes?

All this is asked as it is unaware.

Undeserving of feeling the relief,

Over a decade and counting.

So, I ask again...

What is happiness?

I Find...

I find happiness...

I turn away from it...

I find a healthy romance...

I shut it down...

I find a trusting friend...

I burn the bridge...

I find a supporting job...

I let it fall through my finger tips...

I find true love...

I turn it to hate...

I find pain and suffering...

I make it my comfort zone...

I Am The Reason...

I have never felt true happiness...

I have never had a smile that won't fail...

I have never experience childlike joy...

I have never understood cheerful demeanor...

So, I searched for the reason why...

I searched my actions...

I searched my circumstances...

I searched the world...

Until, I found the answers...

I found the data...

I found the solution...

I found my cure...

Now, I understand my affliction...

I understand my addiction...

I understand the problem...

I understand the answer...

My entire life is self-inflicted...

The pain and suffering is because of me...

I push away everything that leads to joy...

I believe its better that way...

Dependency

I lost my ability to relay on another.

The day my secrets were reveal.

She said she heard it from her brother.

The one I trusted and thought was real.

Now being dependent...

Does not come easily...

Always Leads to resentment...

So, I hold back greedily...

So I settle with being alone...

Unwilling to let another in..

Always feeling more at home...

Keeping everything within...

Then I tried once again.

Until the day I lost my only asylum.

From all the drugs and torment.

Watching it fall to the ground in dissolution.

Now being reliant on another..

Never feels natural...

Even for a "brother"...

Doesn't seem rational...

So I stay in my lane...

Pushing everyone away...

Makes life easy to maintain...

As I watch others live their lives in dismay...

I stop allowing myself to be a fool.

Trusting the one who never let's me down.

Never feeling the pain or joys was the rule.

Until I let God put them around.

Still don't ask for help...

From the fear of letting go..

Of all the time I yelp...

Keeping the relationship faux...

I continue to help myself...

Relaying on me and I...

Waiting for the day I'm expelled...

From this life and say goodbye...

Tired

I am tired...

Tired of being me...

Tired of living this life...

Tired of caring...

I want to close my eyes...

Not waking until the end...

I want move on...

To the world beyond...

I am drained...

Drained from feeling...

Drained from responsibility...

Drained from wearing this mask...

I wish I was like everyone else...

Able to be carefree...

I wish I could understand...

How true happiness feels...

I am exhausted...

Exhausted of lies and untold truths...

Exhausted of ups and downs...

Exhausted of fighting...

I am ready to release it all...

Letting life slip away...

I am ready to go home...

Finding a place to rest...

I am tired...

Tired of being me...

Tired of living this life...

Tired of caring...

Internal Conflict

Fist landing...

Plates flying...

Voices raising...

Shot firing...

The internal conflict is rising...

I sit wondering what I should be doing.

I pray for God to lead to the goal.

I listen to spiritual leaders who He has put in my path.

I feel my heart being tug one way and the other.

Yet left with contradictory futures.

Right & Wrong...

Left & Right...

Hot & Cold...

Yes & No...

The internal conflict continues...

I am running my test.

I am compiling the data.

I am asking the questions.

I am studying my graphs.

Yet answers still evades me.

Peace hidden...

Paths overgrown...

Life emptied...

Passions lost...

The internal conflict climaxes...

I must find the solutions.

I need the Godly response.

I require the break, allowing listening.

I want it to end.

Yet time goes on.

Compromises made...

Agreements met...

Sins confessed...

Forgiveness given..

The internal conflict ends...

The Circle of Depression

The day has came where the sunshine peers

Into my cave, illuminating the darkness

Leading me out, to find the peace

I take a breath of relief before I blink

The light dims and I lose sight of the path

I search and search until I return

To my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression

And it paralyzing me daily

Through all the fear and pain

Through all the doubts and guilt

Until I find my eternal relief

The path always turns dark

In the circle

The circle of depression

The day has came where the voices call out

Showing me concern and hope

I follow the sounds, to find support

I release tears of gratitude

Then my internal dialogue amplifies

Until I lose my hearing, try to continue forward

But return to my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression

And it paralyzing me daily

Through all the fear and pain

Through all the doubts and guilt

Until I find my eternal relief

The path always turns dark

In the circle

The circle of depression

The day has came where I am lifted up

Allow me to feel protected and safe

I allow it to pull me toward my escape

I am grateful to be evacuated

Then I fall back and lose contact

I cry out in despair, with no choice

I return to my spot deep in my cave

It's the circle of depression

And it paralyzing me daily

Through all the fear and pain

Through all the doubts and guilt

Until I find my eternal relief

The path always turns dark

In the circle

The circle of depression

The Decibels Of Life

The day is deafening...

Sitting day and night...

Alone with only my thoughts to occupy...

When others hear silence...

My meter reads 120...

The day is deafening...

Exchanging dialogue...

Meeting with co-workers and friends...

When others hear conversations...

My meter reads 130...

The day is deafening...

All the filling sounds...

Hearing the car driving and the bird chirping...

When others hears the world

My meter reads 150...

The day is deafening...

Everything I do...

And everyone I see...

The decibels are raising...

Until my meters reads 'Error'...

Why I Cut

Everyday I become ever number and number...

That is why I cut, to experience some sensation...

Everyday the stress grows tighter and tighter...

That is why I cut, to release the pressure...

Everyday the pain deepens and deepens...

That is why I cut, to expose it to the surface...

Everyday I cut further and further...

That is why I search, to end the selfish harm...

Everyday I understand You more and more...

That is why I call you Lord, to find freedom and peace...

Negative Space

Life is about negative space...

I search for something to fill it...

I try other's love and approval...

I try mind-altering substances...

I try adult entertainment...

Yet I still have figure-ground perception.

Life is about negative space...

I search for something to fill it...

I try working my hands to the bone...

I try morphing to their happiness...

I try chasing the financial dream...

Yet I still studying Gestalt Psychology.

Life is about negative space...

I search for something to fill it...

I try serving with my passion...

I try demonstrating His love...

I try promoting the Holy Kingdom...

Now I see the positive space.

Life is about the positive space...

I search no longer for fulness...

I see that His Love is the subject...

I see that His forgiveness is the focus...

I see that His grace is the point...

Now I am a work of art.

Depression Is

Depression is being alone in a crowd of people.

Depression is not having the will to meet basic needs.

Depression is sitting in dark despite living in broad daylight.

Depression is me.

Depression is silence at a concert.

Depression is not seeing accomplishments.

Depression is not understanding your impact.

Depression is I.

Depression is lying in bed for hours on in.

Depression is skipping a shower day after day after day.

Depression is not eating.

Depression is myself.

Internal Work

Let's start this off by saying this may end up being a two parted. A few weeks ago I went to a Maverick's City concert promoting the newest album Kingdom Box One. I was invited to join our church's worship team by the church leaders. From the moment I said "YES!" I felt instant regret. Now, this regret was not because I felt like I wouldn't like it or that I had other commitments or that is was too far. It was regret for quite the opposite reason. I knew I would enjoy it, I had no prior engagements, and the ride tothe vendor was no where near as far as I have travel for less of an experience. 

The reason for the regret I felt the entire week after I gave my final commitment up to just moments before we left. When our worship leader made the moment that we will be packing up and heading out soon, it dawned on me....the reason for this feeling of regret that evaded my consciousness. 

Before I can put into words what my eureka moment, I need to preface. This not the first time this feeling was felt, it was the first time it was accompanied with regret, but the root has shown its awful head numerous of times in the past. This feeling came to light everytime a conversation occurs about my roles within the church world, everytime someone calls me a leader, everytime I am asked or put into a position in which I would own an area of true ministry, or everytime I am found in a task/role that requires me to have a true companionship with a fellow believer (of which I would have some sense of implied spiritual responsibility). 

Now, I know many people will say "yes, I have also felt that way" or "that's just the enemy trying to keep you from your true path" once I type the words that gives these feelings, and ultimately the regret I felt this entire week,  a foothold to make me its home. I am not worth this title, I am 100% under qualified for this role, I am incompetent for this position! I look around and see people doing these task and having these experiences who had the "perfect" story. Not saying they were also walking the walk, talking the talk, or even in the same world as Christ, but these people even when they were not following God's steps and going in the exact opposite direction, they had the background and the foundation I did not have. They went to church most their lives, or they had strong men and women of faith in their lives showing them (even when they were not always watching) how to live life with Christ and how to walk the walk and talk the talk of ministry.

My family was never a full time church going family. I can count on two hands (hardly even having to left a finger on the second hand) how many times I truly attended church before I started to attend Home Church (Journey, when I was attending scarcely). Then the faithful event happen in 2020, COVID-19! I lost my job and suddenly found myself will all the free time in the world, anyone who know me understands this was not a good thing for me or my mental health. That is when I was contacted by the leadership of Home Church to join there staff team as "lead" of the Web and Livestreaming team. I immediately agreed and since then have obtained several other duties and titles. I went 0 to 100 in what felt like overnight. I say all of this because unlike the mentors I have and the other members of ministries teams I have met during my time with HC, I was not at all groomed for this time of life. Yes, as a child I was definitely inspired by pastors and ministers I seen on TV, at the church (when we randomly decided church seemed like the thing to do), and seen within friend's families. 

I understand these feelings are no where new or unique to me. But when I made this realization, it did occurred to me that I need to stop. Not stop my work with the church or even trying to continue to grow spiritually and helping those around me grow spiritually. No, I mean stop and do some look into myself and work on way I have these feelings. This type of internal personal work is not new to me, I have done this to help myself deal with my depression and anxiety without relying on medication, I also went through this after I ended my last serious relationship. This process is a tiring and hard task but fulfilling when completed. Time to look deep inside and talk to the Heavenly Father, and find out the truth. The truth for these feelings, the truth for what His plans are for me, and the truth for what I am supposed to be doing now.