Let's start this off by saying this may end up being a two parted. A few weeks ago I went to a Maverick's City concert promoting the newest album Kingdom Box One. I was invited to join our church's worship team by the church leaders. From the moment I said "YES!" I felt instant regret. Now, this regret was not because I felt like I wouldn't like it or that I had other commitments or that is was too far. It was regret for quite the opposite reason. I knew I would enjoy it, I had no prior engagements, and the ride tothe vendor was no where near as far as I have travel for less of an experience.
The reason for the regret I felt the entire week after I gave my final commitment up to just moments before we left. When our worship leader made the moment that we will be packing up and heading out soon, it dawned on me....the reason for this feeling of regret that evaded my consciousness.
Before I can put into words what my eureka moment, I need to preface. This not the first time this feeling was felt, it was the first time it was accompanied with regret, but the root has shown its awful head numerous of times in the past. This feeling came to light everytime a conversation occurs about my roles within the church world, everytime someone calls me a leader, everytime I am asked or put into a position in which I would own an area of true ministry, or everytime I am found in a task/role that requires me to have a true companionship with a fellow believer (of which I would have some sense of implied spiritual responsibility).
Now, I know many people will say "yes, I have also felt that way" or "that's just the enemy trying to keep you from your true path" once I type the words that gives these feelings, and ultimately the regret I felt this entire week, a foothold to make me its home. I am not worth this title, I am 100% under qualified for this role, I am incompetent for this position! I look around and see people doing these task and having these experiences who had the "perfect" story. Not saying they were also walking the walk, talking the talk, or even in the same world as Christ, but these people even when they were not following God's steps and going in the exact opposite direction, they had the background and the foundation I did not have. They went to church most their lives, or they had strong men and women of faith in their lives showing them (even when they were not always watching) how to live life with Christ and how to walk the walk and talk the talk of ministry.
My family was never a full time church going family. I can count on two hands (hardly even having to left a finger on the second hand) how many times I truly attended church before I started to attend Home Church (Journey, when I was attending scarcely). Then the faithful event happen in 2020, COVID-19! I lost my job and suddenly found myself will all the free time in the world, anyone who know me understands this was not a good thing for me or my mental health. That is when I was contacted by the leadership of Home Church to join there staff team as "lead" of the Web and Livestreaming team. I immediately agreed and since then have obtained several other duties and titles. I went 0 to 100 in what felt like overnight. I say all of this because unlike the mentors I have and the other members of ministries teams I have met during my time with HC, I was not at all groomed for this time of life. Yes, as a child I was definitely inspired by pastors and ministers I seen on TV, at the church (when we randomly decided church seemed like the thing to do), and seen within friend's families.
I understand these feelings are no where new or unique to me. But when I made this realization, it did occurred to me that I need to stop. Not stop my work with the church or even trying to continue to grow spiritually and helping those around me grow spiritually. No, I mean stop and do some look into myself and work on way I have these feelings. This type of internal personal work is not new to me, I have done this to help myself deal with my depression and anxiety without relying on medication, I also went through this after I ended my last serious relationship. This process is a tiring and hard task but fulfilling when completed. Time to look deep inside and talk to the Heavenly Father, and find out the truth. The truth for these feelings, the truth for what His plans are for me, and the truth for what I am supposed to be doing now.
