The Beginning

Okay, well I have not added anything to this Blogspot in quite sometimes, and to be honest it is simple....it is because I lost my Muse, she left me sometime ago for my best friend. And although I have been over her for quite sometime I have not got over the was I felt to finally be able to write again...and not only that but to actually enjoy it. Since I was not man enough to come to terms that I lost this Muse but that does not mean I would never find another again, I could not bring myself to come back and look at how happy I was to write again, now even when she left you could notice by the posts I could still write! I know this is not gonna sound right if she happens to stumble back across this....so this is for her ---Yes I am completely over you! I do not even think about how left could have been because I see the truth now...which I totally do not want to get into right now...I am just writing this in case sometime down the road someone actually cares enough to read through this crappy "Blog," if you could even call it that, they can understand my break, which in reality has nothing to do with you more of how you helped me--- Back to the rest of you! Now this Muse she help me understand something, and that is that I missed my imagination. I never understood the pain I felt and why it felt so hard to let her go until I realize i was not holding on to her because I "loved" her but I was holding on because I fear I would lose myself, here is what I mean, and I am warning you it is pretty stupid and I see that now, now when I moved down to the interception town of Centerville, Arkansas in the summer of 2005 I vowed to myself I would never allow myself to be the same guy I was back in Gallatan Country Elementary School in Northern Kentucky, you see back then my self-confidence was sooooo low that I felt the only way I could truly find "true love" and "true friendship" is by being a doormat I did whatever I was ask...and some of it I still wonder about....now once I started playing sports I did gain a little bit of confidence but I could not shake the feeling that I had to do whatever someone wanted in order for them to stay in my life. My life was empty and I felt that that is when I discover writing and how it was a get way to let the emptiness out...it was my escape! I wrote page after page, notebook after notebook...I filled boxes among boxes and stored them in the shed where no one will find them....when I found out we were moving to a different state I saw and opportunity to fill the emptiness with something other then writing...maybe I could find true friends. I went out late that night and burned everything I write and watch as my life...my old life turned to ashes and then watched as the ashes blew away in the wind. Then I moved and left myself back in Kentucky in ashes flying in the wind. I turned myself into someone....no...something else! I turned into a complete ASSHOLE! (sorry about the language but no other word can even give you the slightest clue of how i was) I pushed everyone already I was truly alone and I refused to allow myself to go back, I did things to help ease the pain that I am not proud of...but that is for another time...then I found...her....the Muse! She helped me see who I was being and that it was not me...she help me realize that the old me was not completely bad...to rekindle my love for writing...she even help me get started...in fact I actually made this blog for her....then I started the change...in fact I am still changing....I know the old me was not completely bad but neither was the "new" me...I am still working on finding the "Happy Medium" people always talk about......that is all for tonight, and I know this whole thing has been pretty pointless but part of making a change means you need to recruit help....and since I do not want my friends...and yes I finally think I found some true friends....know about all my struggles, since it is I who needs to keep my crap together in order to keep from going over board and what are they going to do to help???? I figure I will just admit them here and if someone reads it then okay and if this is seen by my eyes only I am kool with that too... Sorry about wasting your time! :)